Aug 1926 min read

Part II: Days of Being Pete - Days of Being Kao

ภาคสอง: ชีวิตที่เป็นพีท

Aug 31

I made the right decision to come here, Strasbourg, yesterday. There were barely any students moving to this Crous’ university residence. This morning, while jogging, I saw a loooooooooooooooooong queue in front of the reception. Anyway, after separating with Rosi (finally we met!) at Homme de fer, it took me an hour today to issue a Badgéo travel card at the CTS office. But when the weather was nice, everything seemed to be a bit more delightful.

…..

Moving in

“Why did you go shopping again…” I usually said that to mom and dad. Separately, mom went to the supermarket once a week and dad once or twice. Together, they often bought too much stuff. Dad would reponse: “it’s not a big deal, we have money. And it’s for people in this house.” On the contrary, mom would say: “For some, I just thought of them in case I forgot (next time).” I hadn’t believed mom until yesterday. After taking the key yesterday, I went to buy stuff at this hypermarket across the canal. Without realizing I had just a fucking little shopping bag, I just took everything in a trolley (this little shit made me think I just buy few things) I could think of: mop, dishwashing liquid, kettle, coffee, bed sheet, pillow, alarm clock (yes, I don’t like being waken up by iPhone), shampoo, etcetera. In total: 28 pieces. And I had to bring all of them back to the dorm. Half of the people walking past the bank looked at me. “Bon courage!” a madame said to me. Incredibly, after a 800-meter walk, I managed to drag myself to the room. This must have been another form of krama for sure. Ladies and gentlemen, this was how stupid a scholarship holder could be. But don’t do this again, Kao.

…..

Moving here, I feel like my life pattern hasn’t drastically changed. Back in the old days at Chula, the private dorm I rented was close to everywhere I’d bury myself at: the faculty, libraries, favorite joints, the cinema, the park. And here in Strasbourg, it’s the same, so insane! Just languages, the location and surrounding people change.

…..

Sep 2

Me in a deserted Unistra on a Saturday morning

.....

Sep 3

There were a million things happening in the past few days.

The day before yesterday was the CLE welcome meeting. There are about 15 students, both in M1 and M2, choosing l’Unistra this year, and everyone is more promising than me. Yeah, I’m not joking. Even an Asian like me had a little shyness to socialize with new people, they all are nice and have their own uniqueness, in a good way of course. (Thanks Vini for telling me about CTS reduction!) Plus I went to open a bank account at a bank nearby. As for yesterday, it was a welcome meeting for all international students. I just participated in the morning activities ‘cause I was tired and had to get back filling this CAF (Caisse d'allocations familiales) form to gain residence aid, for incredibly fucking 115 euros! But it’ll be subsidized directly to my residence, la cité U Paul Appell.

The next shocking fact to me was that here, in France, people can openly drink alcohol and beer on campus. What! I came to this evening concert on campus and most had beer, so I just grabbed one too. Why not? Everything was chilling out though; the young drank their beer, smoked some tobacco, talked to their friends and watched the performances on stage. All of this is not gonna happen in my beloved motherland for sure.

If there’s anything in common between here and Thailand, it'd be that some of the young are aware of sexuality and gender while some ain’t understand these yet. It can be always discussed though.

…..

Being here just less than a week, I think this city is really inclusive to all people from every origin, and well-designed. Everywhere is easily accessible; trams, bus, bicycle lanes, parks, cultural attractions and the tourist ones. So it’s no exaggeration at all when Strasbourg claims to be the Eurométropole.

…..

Sep 4

I just showered and am feeling better now. Otherwise I’d feel shittier with myself.

After a lively picnic with the classmates, I came back to my room, and a feeling of insecurity suddenly hit me hard. Don’t know if this was because I was a bit drunk, or I was tired of all the settling down stuff this week. Or I really am a stranger here. Everyone gets along well and is getting more relaxed, which I am glad for them, while I still have this fucking feeling of awkwardness. This is a bad attitude that I still can’t get rid of. So bored with myself on this.

Anyway, today, I finally got a chance to go to the cinema. I’d longed for this for two weeks. Thank God I believed AlloCiné reviews on a Franco-Spanish film As Bestas, which is really worth watching.

Tomorrow is a real deal, the beginning of two master years.

Before the storm

…..

Sep 12

It’s been a hell of a week.

Just the first week (aka rentrée) could really make me feel like an imposter (the word that I haven't thought of in weeks, by the way). Besides the CLE’s mandatory classes, we had to attend other facultative ones too in order to choose and enroll in some of them. Everything went real fast. The professeurs were being too informative (while some were hyper gentils). I barely caught anything. The fact that the exposés will be assigned in almost every class fatigued me.

Wednesday was the most stressful day, with four classes attended (of which I’ve enrolled two, eventually). That evening I came back to my room with this feeling: what the fuck am I doing here, torturing myself in academic world for two more years? Je n’ai compris presque rien dans ces cours. I was so stressed out that I had to drink one beer (rarely on weekdays) and call Rin. I felt better. Life still joked with me though. I completely forgot that the next day I had a class at noon, not that at 4 p.m. I’d never missed the first classes before. Haha. This was the lowest point of my school life.

I don’t know how other students were in the first week, but I think they could handle this better than me. If not, at least they didn’t miss the Thursday noon class like me.

Friday morning, we had the CLE teleconference rentrée meeting. And it was also my birthday. Just people, whether it was my beloved family, my superb friends back in Thailand, or these amazing people here in Strasbourg, simply saying ‘Happy Birthday,’ that could really enormously encourage me for this crazy week. But when Anna bought this pain au chocolat with a lit candle during the little drink patty, I was surprised, and a bit awkward. Because Lihui just asked me what I usually do on my birthdays. “Nothing special,” I said, “but I like doing life reflection on things that happened to me throughout the year.” I wasn’t sure if she understood me as the room was too loud.

I think now my concentration and educational survival skills have come back. All the paperwork is almost done. I kinda know which classes to enroll in and what to do next.

…..

Sep 18

Second week: still struggling. But the program’s welcome buffet on Thursday evening and Mme Faye (from the Greek course) really helped me survive this week.

Plus, it’s getting cold even though the summer hasn’t ended yet.

Recap: the first two weeks

…..

Oct 4

It’s been almost a month since the rentrée. So far, everything in Strasbourg is pleasurable to me. There are great libraries where I often study, an independent cinema (Star) that I love (and that reminds me of House & Doc Club back in Bangkok), a decent Chinese resto (which already became my favorite one) and some places where I like jogging every morning. I also discovered a promising public bath close to the campus, and will definitely go there soon for its sauna.

Still, the weather is unpredictable : some days it rains, some days its get too could and some it’s incredibly fucking sunny and perfect. Just like my emotions going up and down like a roller-coaster. I’m grateful to be here. But eleven CLE courses throughout the first semester are no joke, not to mention the thesis’ soutenance to be submitted at the end of the academic year. In brief, I don’t have time to really have fun, enjoy life or find someone. Even though I desperately want the last one, I don’t want to spend time on dating apps anymore. So yeah, this is a fucking vicious cycle. Yet it’s something I can and have to put up with.

…..

General things in Stras (in time of strikes)

Oct 8

My new dream job: tram driver. I know it may seem boring: driving on the same routes every day and probably having to get up early to go to work. But I’m a routine man, so… it might fit.

…..

Observation: the French really like McDonald's. It’s everywhere, and I always see a long line in front of its Rivetoile store.

…..

I really appreciate you

Thanks for telling me. After all this time. Hope to see you again. If that’s not possible, just knowing you’re doing fine I’ll be glad.

…..

I don’t think I belong anywhere. There’s no place that really suits me. Since I moved here, the sentiment of an outsider has gotten stronger inside. Seeing everyone doing fine with their life and everything going well, I’m happy. Yet, it’s not like I’m a fucking anti-social who don’t talk to or don’t help anyone. I just keep some distance, and this happens naturally. I don’t know why.

I’m not sorry for being an outsider. I’ve always been, and am aware of that. It’s no use pretending someone else I’m not. The advantage of this, I think, is that you can let go more easily. Life is éphémère; everything doesn’t last forever; people are strangers who meet each other, spend some good (and bad) times together, and then go separate ways. What’s more important is happiness from self-acceptance. Even everything around you changes and you have to adjust yourself in new circumstances, you must stick with who you are.

I don’t belong anywhere, therefore I can be everywhere.

…..

Oct 24

Last week was crazy.

Beginning that week with a double exposé for Littérature et folie (Literature and madness. Damn, it’s really interesting) and the 19th century literature courses. I’d been quite nervous since it was my first time doing graded presentations to a French professor. And I hadn’t had a fucking clue how it’d work, especially the evaluation. Did all my works meet the standard here? Did I analyze things too far and go off-topic? Fuck it, I just focused on the texts and linked them to their (historical) contexts. At last, my work paid off, to some degree. Despite some commentaries, M. Mar. gave me generally positive feedback. Despite my broken French, the classmates seemed to understand what I was saying and presenting. Despite my lack of confidence, it turned out to be a good start. And I hope it’ll be all the academic year long.

Last Wednesday night all of CLE students went to see a play, Iphigenia, which is based on this young lady in Greek mythology. She has to sacrifice, with no choice, her life to a goddess so that her dad’s fleet can sail against Troy. I saw a polarized review: neither people loved or didn’t like it. Anyway, I liked it although some scenes were too dramatic…

The highlight of last week was the trip to Alsace's historical sites. From what M. Mar. said, this was the first trip from Strasbourg’s CLE program. So it really was special and better than anyone of us would have expected. The Alsace-Moselle Memorial gave us a clear depiction of all the changes this region and its people had encountered. The region was ruled by either the Germans or the French, then definitely (re-)became a part of France after WWII. It would have been considerably confusing to Alsacian citizens at that time; one day they were French people, the day after they became Germans. And all the surroundings, languages, way of life just changed, again, again, and again.

The second site was the former Natzweiler concentration camp (Mémorial Struthof). We’ve all seen the cruelty in concentration or extermination camps in movies or documentaries. But I can tell you that it’s totally different when you visit the real site, where people were literally tortured, dehumanized and executed by fellow human beings. What happened at that time was unimaginable. In those chambers, the atmosphere is unexplainable. Yet it reminds us of what the lowest point in human history was like.

The night at Sainte Odile was pleasurable. The hotel was great, the view was sublime, the people were lovely. A bit drunk, I got to discuss with my friends our ideal partner and sex life. Plus, I could finally talk about her with someone en présentiel. Man, I really felt relieved.

I wish we would have more outings like this.

…..

Oct 31

This week is a Toussaint break. I like calling it “the Western Qingming” so that the folks back in my hometown can instantly understand what the heck Toussaint is.

Yesterday, two of my friends and I visited the forest of Robertsau, 20 mins from the campus. I had expected to see some savage animals. But it turned out that I saw some "savage" activities instead: two people having sex in the deep woods and some others being naked at a pond. Haha, now I can still picture them. This must have been what’s a free world like.

Tonight, I got some news coinciding with Halloween. The first one was that my friends stopped seeing their boys. So I had to take a “confidant” role to one of them. They’d be fine, I believe. The second one: the magazine I’d worked with would be shut down at the end of the year (yet the editorial team would move to work with another one, so basically they wouldn’t lose their job). It wasn’t because of the commercial performance (Hommes still makes money), but the irrational structural change within the company. This made me a bit sad because I can be HERE partly thanks to the name of the magazine. It’s another jai-hai thing for me, but nothing lasts anyway.

Still, it was too fast. Not to mention that this would happen just a few months after I quitted (emoji).

I’ll say so long when the time comes.

Wait, have I already said it by writing like this?

…..

Nov 5

Fuck, the toilet seat is fucking cold now. Why the hell could the Europeans not invent something to make it warmer like the Japanese have done? My butt is freezing.

I know I should’ve, but I didn’t want to.

I can’t wait for Monday.

…..

Nov 8

No hay causa perdida si estás aquí.

Hay causa perdida si no estás aquí.

….

Nov 13

It’s been another crazy week for me.

At the beginning of the week, I just couldn’t stand being in Strasbourg. Don’t get me wrong, I love this city, and always will, but this inexplicable stress attacked me. And I needed to go somewhere else. So on Tuesday right after finishing an exam, I booked a TGV to Mulhouse, aka the European Detroit, for the next day’s afternoon. I was aware that it’d be raining there, so I wanted to visit the automobile museum (instead of the zoo, which I preferred). BUT, on the halfway to Mulhouse, there was an announce that the TGV electricity trail network was temporarily paralyzed (thanks to, fuck, the rain). So, I decided, totally with no idea, to take a correspondent SNCF bus in service. BUT, waiting for the bus in front of the Colmar station, I saw my fucking TGV head out. FUCK, that SNCF officier really fucked me up. By the time I got to Mulhouse, it was 4 p.m. And I couldn’t make it to the automobile museum.

But, taking the bus, I could see little Alsace villages and countryside. “It’s good for morale tho”, a neighbor passenger told me. Yes, it was good although I’d be better if it hadn’t taken TWO HOURS from Colmar to Mulhouse (the conducteur had to go to every local SNCF stop in between). Anyway, it seemed this little unfortunate escape had paid off. I woke up the next morning and felt a bit better about myself. C’est chouette.

My little unfortunate trip

This week was a colleague’s birthday. So his two besties planned a surprise party for him. The plan was to make him think that there’d be no one attending the dinner party, except the besties, because of workload, etc. But by the time they got to the restaurant, (almost) everyone would be there. The day before the party, around 5 p.m., I asked the besties in class if they already found a restaurant for dinner before going to bars. An hour later, doing the grocery without thinking about anything or anyone but food, I met the birthday boy. And the first question I asked him was… “Did you find a restaurant for tomorrow?” He had, of course, no freaking idea what I was talking about. “FUuuuuuuuCK, I screamed inside, did I just spoil the plan?” I had to fix this mess by telling him that I’d join the dinner party if his besties invited me and the others. So, he thought that it’d be three of them plus me. It worked. He still had no idea on the plan. Eventually, the surprise birthday party was successful. I, not being serious, thought this to myself: Nowadays I already don’t have many friends, luckily I didn’t make them hate me by ruining their plan.”

The trio

This morning I just got the digitally developed pictures from my first ever disposable camera. They ain’t bad at all. Some are really good. And that is undoubtedly magnificent.

Totally worth two weeks of waiting. (But in Thailand, we could get it within two days. Haha).

…..

Nov 29

I’d say so far, I've encountered two harassments this month.

The first one happened in Mulhouse a couple of weeks ago. It was raining, I was wandering around the city center, checking messages and shit on my phone. Suddenly a man, looking towards me, shouted “dfjoiwgefvsdvsdvhd CHINOIS”. Fuck, I was scared as shit and just walked away. If I’d been crazy enough, I’d have shouted “Thaïlandais, conard!” back to him. But obviously, and luckily, I wasn’t.

The second one was more obvious, and occurred right here in my beloved campus. Wearing the hoodie and glasses, I was walking to Palais Universitaire to study. Then I came across these two male snobbish students. And one of them briefly shouted some incomprehensive word (it wasn’t a good one for sure) into my left ear ; the two laughing while I turning back to stare at them. I can’t imagine how worse it could be if we were still in the peak of the pandemic.

…..

Claro que nunca.

…..

Dec 20

Wow, it’s been almost a month…

Last week I just had four exams to take and a presentation to do, from Monday to Friday non-stop, after having been more ‘chilled-out’ than most of my colleagues. It went well, I think, but even if it didn't, at least it was over. Now we have ONE WHOLE MONTH of holiday due to the university’s delayed reopening to tackle the energy crisis.

Among those five days, Wednesday (not that hit series Wednesday) was the most intense one to me as I had to present the exposé on Los Años, a fabulous play from an Argentine writer Mariano Pensotti, the last one of the Littérature d’Extrême Contemporain course. Watching the play a week before, my colleagues and I had, technically, just a week to prepare the presentation. So I’d cheated a bit to do some research in advance so that we could save up some time and craft the exposé. Plus every group before us was doing so well on their presentations. So, I didn’t want to end the course with a bad presentation. Oh god, even at the end the professor and classmates generally seemed to like it, I still feel that I might actually have not done it well because of the excitement (as always) and two glasses of wine (from the course’s closing party before the exposé).

Speaking of which, Argentina involved my life pretty much in the past two weeks. First, it was Los Años which takes place in Buenos Aires. Its setting is split into two identical sides, representing two different periods, one in 2020 and the other in 2050, of the protagonist’s life. The play is not a reflection of the present and a prediction to the future, but a reflection of the present from the (fictional) future. Although time goes by, people always make the same mistakes and are trapped in the world of capitalism. Like the Thais, the Argentines are “pessimist” (according to Pensotti himself) of their society and chronic socio-economic problems. But we still have this comic and satire to fight against these troubles. Anyway, the Argentines are now happier than Thais for sure as they just won the World Cup yesterday.

Again, on the same last Wednesday night, from my residence I could hear screams and fireworks’ sounds as the French were celebrating their national team heading to the Final against Argentina. “Wait, you haven’t won the World Cup yet. Don’t celebrate now”, I thought. And then I, not a sports fan at all, came up with this idea of finding a bar to witness the Final and the French’s reactions. So yesterday, Sunday, I went to this bar near the residence and it was totally crazy! Argentina already having scored two goals, the French public were like already let down until the minute 80. When Mbappé made two goals in a row, hope suddenly rose in the bar, people throwing their beer and uncontrollably screaming. My friend and I had to cover ourselves from the beer. But as you already knew, gaño Argentina, Messi fully became a football legend, and what the hell was Macron doing there? Of course, unlike on Wednesday, everyone quietly left bars; the silence was loud all over the streets; no fireworks, no screams, no celebrations.

Some cheerful energies of the French...

I’m really happy for Messi and the Argentine people. You deserve to be joyful and get a bit distracted from the multi-dimensional crisis you encounter. And I think A l’Observatoire’s resto owner may have been happy for you as well yesterday as he was extra-energetic after the game.

and a big letdown

…..

Last Friday we, the CLEs, just wrapped up the first semester at B’s after three months of non-stop exposés, exams and assignments to do. It was the first time for me to attend a party with a bunch of people. Back in Thailand, I’d hosted many drinking-and-contemplating nights at my house, with my dad's alcohol support and just a few friends. Already wandering in my thoughts, I felt a bit overwhelmed and awkward. So I did the dishes, got out of Ben’s room two times, took a half bottle of whiskey, accidentally broke a glass and took a nap in the bedroom. A bit embarrassed, but everything was attacking me in my own head and that’s how I coped with it.

Despite moving here, I still always feel alienated from the others. It is nobody's fault, neither me nor my colleagues. It just happens.

Loneliness relentlessly tortures me and it’s getting harder getting to meet someone whom I can share my everything with.

I think I’ve already lost that guts. I tried, but it did not work.

It is sad, but it’s okay.

Some Xmas spirit and people

…..

P.S. I forgot to tell you that I asked everyone to call me Pete because it’s easier for me and them. But it’s not just a random nor completely new nickname.

…..

- 2023 -

Jan 10

Happy belated new year! Now everything’s back to normal. Except that the new semester begins next Monday. And why the heck movies that I want to watch will be released starting from next week as well while I still have some true freetime this week? T T

I did a few travels during the holiday. The first one happened before Christmas, all by myself to Tours, on the west side of France, because I always wished to visit castles in the Loire valley. It was my first ever solo trip so I was of course excited! I managed to visit three castles: Chenonceau, Amboise and Clos Lucé. The latter two were the last Leonardo da Vinci’s residences: I kinda felt a bit spooky not because I could sense his spirit, but because he’d haunted me (and the entire M1 CLE) all the semester in the Modern Italian Literature class. Anyway, the sites were much more interesting and lovely since they were decorated in a Christmas theme, as part of the region’s tourism promotion. The city of Tours itself was way more animated and bigger than I’d expected. I don’t know if it’s because I went there as a tourist (who wasted a shitload of money mostly on alcohol and food this time), but I felt that people there were more relaxed. I also accidentally found a Thai buffet joint nearby my hostel. The food was, obviously, delicious enough that I went there… twice! The manager and his wife, a Nontaburian couple, along with another cook from Satun were all very kind to me as well, so that’s why. I quite liked the manager, diligent and always smiling, as we share the same attitude. “Don’t associate with other Thais that much, you’d better find French or foreigner friends. Otherwise you’ll be as if you were still in Thailand”, he told me. And I’ve always had that in mind. But the problem is that I barely associate with anyone. Haha. By the way, it would have been totally pleasant if it hadn’t rained throughout my trip.

On Christmas Eve, some of the CLEs gathered at Ben’s for the party. It was the first proper Christmas party for a few of us, including me. Overall, everything went pretty well and it was reheart-warming. I didn’t break anything there this time and wasn’t fucking shitty drunk like the last visit. Wonder if there’d be any X’Mas party like this next year in Thessaloniki.

A few days later, my family came here! Before their train arrived to Strasbourg station, I was so afraid I’d cry. I know there was nothing to be ashamed of, but why the hell did I have to cry if I didn’t want to? Fortunately, I didn’t cry, but got a headache instead. Haha. They, no, we were always the same: adorable, a bit difficult and united (only?) during meals. While pretending to be a local guide, I mostly escorted Dad and Mom as my brother and his girlfriend could take care of themselves with Internet and iPhone 14 Pro Max, whose camera is fucking weird despite the price. This was the first family vacation abroad after Covid ended. This was the first time we didn’t find a driver at all. So it was basically like a Ninja Warrior test for my parents, especially for Dad. Of course, they had no choice but to walk more than on other trips. Papa (I really call him like this) became scared of public transportation after having experienced Paris métro. And, for the first time ever, he complained about missing “rice”. This was unbelievable as he had always been the one who didn’t want any rice during any trips in Europe. And Mom, she always walked too slow behind the others, so she was fine as usual. Although they really got older this year, they were still healthy and “young at heart”, especially my father who’d undergone an ICD replanting operation a few months ago. Oh, besides their son, a millefeuille at Carette and a baba au rhum at Auberge Dab, my parents finally got to visit the Eiffel tower, for the first time, after having visited Paris three times in the past three decades! For my brother and his girlfriend, family’s favorite ‘Pra-ek’ and ‘Nang-ek’, they were doing good, and sometimes a bit head-hotted, as always.

When home comes to you, I can tell you this, it brings with them everything you’ve witnessed for your entire life in your own house. Both good days and bad days. Anyway, what’s the most important when home comes to you is a simple family group hug. You just can feel that everything your family and you have fought for is totally worth it. They could come to France this New Year’s holiday because of me. I can be here because of them. I was happy and so grateful that ils étaient là.

By the way, standing on a bridge across the Seine, thousands of tourists, including me, expected to see fireworks being fired from the Eiffel like in the previous countdowns. But there was none (and I, having visited the tower earlier that day, completely forgot that it was being renovated).

My last trip during the holiday was in Germany, which I prefer to call my first proper trip in the country. (I did cross the Rhine river to Kehl to do grocery a few times, so I don’t count). This Thai friend of mine went there with her boyfriend to see her exchange family in Hanau, near Frankfurt. She didn’t come to my graduation photoshoot, nor send me off at the airport in August, so it was a great opportunity to see her! She had spent a whole year in Germany during her high school days. M., whose daughter had come to Phetchabun as exchange student years before my friend came to Germany, decided, in return, to adopt an exchange student. She and her husband just felt right on my friend’s profile, so they took her. “She was a gift”, M. told me while we had coffee in the morning. Since then, My friend has been part of the family, and they have been part of hers in Thailand. Even though I went there just for a couple of days, I could feel that the German couple were so kind, thoughtful and supportive to her who has had difficult days. I was happy for my friend to have this wonderful family with her, and I was glad to know them. “I don’t want to have breakfast this morning”, said M. on the last morning before her Thai daughter left for the airport. My friend was a bit sad too because in a few days she would have to go back to studying. But I hope that she’d come to Hanau in summer so that I could come visit all of them. (M’.s cooking was very lecker, and U.’s collection of whisky was totally amazing!)

Recap (2)

All of this is the spirit of holiday and the meaning of family that I discovered. Now I should get back to studying for my thesis.

…

Jan 15

Recently finished The Office and the first season of Severance. Hmm, my life is also, and always, stuck at the (study) desk. Understand now why the heck Noah quit doing The Daily Show after just seven years.

…

Not sure if all I’ve studied for my potential thesis will be wasted. But let’s hope it’ll be not. Earlier this week I just contacted French and Greek professors to talk about my thesis subject on Camusian theater. Had no problem reaching out to a professor right here in Strasbourg. But, I just learnt that the French theater specialist in Thessaloniki is already retired; I thought she wasn’t since her contact still appeared on the website… CLE’s coordinator in Greece told me via mail that she’d find another theater specialist there, and that I should “reconsider” my subject in the meantime. So, I just replied to her that I could expand the research framework by studying the whole work of Camus. Don’t know if she’d approve this. But I won’t start anything from scratch again. I’ve gone too far now.

…..

Feb 1

When we finished talking about our presentation for next week, Agnès and I discussed further on our thesis (mostly on hers). I asked her what she would do after her master’s and she said that it was still uncertain to her and she’d thought about it that much. Listening to her, I reflected on myself. I’ve always thought of my future, barely living a moment. I have to do whatever in advance, no matter how serious or necessary it is, even be steps ahead from others and even from my present me. Maybe it’s because I'm not a smart nor sharp person, so I have to take much more time to think and do something. I can hardly improvise things nor (make a peace with myself to) let things be.

Though this kind of preoccupation (and obsession) brought me here, to France, it’s consumed me constantly inside. Admittedly, it got worse after I came here. I can’t wait to finish this master as I want to find out what the future holds for me. (Funnily, I barely survive the present.) So, thinking of the future brings some hope to me. Especially when the present is disappointing. On the other hand, I’ve become distant from other people, always lost in my stream of thoughts and (future) worries. But on the surface, I (have tried to) pretend that everything is fine and avoid talking about myself to most people.

…..

I already ruined it. It hadn’t started yet but I already ruined it. And it’s all my fault.

The last thing I want is to upset anyone, but I did that.

Even if I’d had a chance to justify myself, it’d have been useless.

Because others’ judgment on your action precedes your intention.

Despite this, it would happen.

…..

Feb 4

No means no.

…..

Feb 10

While almost everyone (at least around me) has turned to TikTok and Meta has been meh, I’m still addicted to Facebook and Instagram. p' M. said that Facebook is, to her, like a diary, and I agree with her as I like “reading” news and (older) people’s reflections particularly on Facebook. I rarely post anything though. Anyway, I just saw a sweetheart couple from my high school celebrating their sixth or seventh anniversary. Glad for them. And mine ?

Meh.

…..

Feb 25

La semaine dernière, David m’eut invité à faire une journée de voyage à Bâle. Comme on était encore en vacances et que je n'avais pas de grandes choses à faire, pourquoi pas ? Malgré un petit incident avec le train ce matin, nous étions là. Il faisait sombre, le vent étant presque intolérable et peu de soleil. Étrangement, tout cela me rafraîchis. Peut-être c’était parce qu’il me fit bon de m’échapper de Strasbourg, de l’ambiance familière, des routines, de la vie de robot et des études trop exigeantes. Même s’il n’était qu’une seule journée. Nous visitâmes le Kunstmuseum, errâmes dans la ville, déjeunâmes à une maison de bonnes focaccias, observâmes des gens et vîmes par hasard un carnaval joyeux. Tout cela était juste agréable.

Avant de revenir à notre ville, nous nous assîmes au bord du fleuve, regardant le coucher du soleil et le ciel gris. Quelle vite toutes les choses se sont passées, nous le disait après s’étant rendu compte que c’était déjà six mois pour nous en France . “Oui c’est vrai”, lui répondis-je. Et puis je lui demanda ce qu’il allait faire après ce master. Il n’était pas encore sûr, mais je me souviens bien de sa parole. “Mieux être boursier que devenir un salarié modeste”. C’était vrai, c’est vrai. Je le compris. On doit chercher ce qui est le meilleur pour soi, et personne ne veut que de simples salariés avec des boulots qu’on n’aime pas. Mais c’est triste quand même que la plupart des gens, de nous, n'arrivent pas à le faire vu de différentes circonstances dans la vie. Mais pour ceux qui ont de la chance, ils doivent faire le mieux.

Quant à moi, malgré ce master, cette bourse, cette grande opportunité en Europe, je me sentis toujours déçu et mécontent de moi-même, au fond. La vie académique ne me convient pas même si mes notes n’étaient pas mal du tout. Mais on ne peut pas évaluer des trucs seulement par les chiffres. Je me sentis coupable. Quelqu’un d’autre qui voulait être boursier aurait reçu ça, pas moi, au lieu de moi. J’appartiendrais plutôt au monde du travail, mais je n’avais pas vu les progrès professionnels en n’ayant que la licence. C’était pourquoi j’avais décidé de m’inscrire pour CLÉ. Merde, j’suis navré.

“T’as juste 23, mais t’as déjà achevé beaucoup de choses. Et maintenant, t’es là. Tu devais être fier de toi-même, tu dois être fier de toi-même," me dit David. Sa voix, la plus sincère que j’aie entendue depuis plusieurs mois, m’encourageai. Tout d’un coup. Il avait raison, il a raison. C’était, c’est moi qui est là. J’avais aussi le droit d’y postuler, d’être là. Bien que cette culpabilité en moi ne disparaisse pas, j’en ai mérité, de faire ce master, de rencontrer de bons gens comme lui et d’autres.

Retour à Stras. Normalement je n’osais pas étreindre des gens quelle que ce soit l’intimité. Mais cette soirée-là, avant de quitter le tram, je le pris dans les bras sans hésitation.

C’était une bonne journée.

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Mar 9

The taste of having everything but still lacking.

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Mar 18

Je t’ai vue quand l’hiver allait finit

Tu es mon printemps

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April 6

Earlier this week I’d booked a ticket to Thessaloniki, and just closed the apartment contract yesterday. Can’t wait to move there. I wanted to be there now if I could.

I really am a contradictory person. I’d told to Rin a long time ago that I wouldn't go back to Thailand during these two years. Better spending money on trips in Europe, I’d had this motto in mind before flying. But now I’ve decided to go back home, my real home, this summer. “And which dog (a Thai sarcastic question word meaning ‘who the heck’) told me that he wouldn’t go back, and always preached to me about the idea of not-returning?”, said the good dear Rin. People always change their mind, Kesirin, even a decisive person like me does that some many times.

Anyway, tomorrow night I’ll head to Hamburg for almost a week to spend Easter with her. Been almost eight months since we last saw each other. Happy for her that she became more of an open person, found someone in Aarhus and even got hotter on Tinder. (For the last one I’m a bit jealous).

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S’embrasser ne veut pas forcément dire qu’on est copin(e)s.

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April 18

Visiting Hamburg with Rin last week was quite fun. But I (maybe both of us) knew why we hadn’t made it out a couple years ago.

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I hate having unfinished businesses or unresolved things in my mind. Everything in my life now is vague. No updates about Cannes from my office. No reply from the professor at Thessaloniki about my thesis subject. No cooperation from my colleague on our dossier (Werly’s course will fucking end this Friday!). Even no official status for the relationship (Flirt? perhaps). So today I just ended up going to the municipal bath for the sauna, had dinner at Gailia and got myself a stupid Oreo McSundae (which turned out to be pretty good when served in the cup). I just have no motivation in life given these annoying inconveniences and the unclarity.

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April 20

เราก็เป็นคนถูกต้องประมาณหนึ่ง

(I am always right for a certain degree.)

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July 6

Claroscuro

Quand je la vis pour la première fois, je me sentais tout d’un coups revivant après les premières semaines d’adaptation douloureuses.

En fait, je ne me le sentais pas depuis quelques années. Même si elle et moi, ce n’était pas possible, elle était la lumière qui se réfléchissait sur le chemin sombre de ma vie. Cela me suffisait, et je la remercierais toujours.