เปิดฉาก: เปลือยชีวิตอย่างไร
While I'm writing this prologue, it is the emptiest and most uncertain moment in my life so far. I've got things I always wanted: higher education, some money, freedom, routine, caring from the loved ones, and I really am grateful for all of those. However, I'm kinda stuck. Although I finished my thesis half a year ago, I'll officially graduate in July. I can't now find a job either despite my calling to work in this capitalist world (just live a life while you have some free time, please don't have such a calling). So I'm just waiting. You might argue that I could travel and hang out, which I've actually done. But to me having no studies nor work is just unbearable. After all, I like being busy and active.
.....
Yes, one must have been narcissist enough to expose his life to the public.
.....
In Thailand, there's a belief of "Benjapas (เบญจเพส)" that the age of 25 is the most crucial, decisive and even life-threatening moment of our lives. Imagine it's 27 Club that could happen to all. During this transition between teenage and adult lives, one simple decision making could bring you prosperity or more difficulty; problems could just be overwhelming; even sickness or accident could take your life. I partly believe the myth. It is indeed the most decisive time in life since the real world awaits for us after we hit 25; before that age many of us were just living in Neverland, worrying about studies, friends, parties, stupid arguments. Being stuck in the Neverland and being young at heart are not the same, and some people couldn't leave that fun place, refusing to be adults. I always wanted to be an adult and mature. The last couple semesters in Bachelor's, I was thinking of finding a job (maybe taking over my dad's business) and just leading a simple life. But it wasn't meant to be like that. Decisions in my life (so far), timing and fate led me to my extended Neverland: Erasmus Mundus CLE. I didn't realize it was until very recently. My friends back home have changed their job at least once while I'm just getting chilled. However, there's a big price to pay for a longer stay in this wonderland. Also, I feel that although I haven't hit 25 yet (I will in September), many unfavorable things have struck me this year and now I'm wasted.
.....
After I got accepted from Bologna to study in this master's degree program, I started to write my first-ever journal to record as many things I've experienced during these two years as I can and want. By writing, I've been able to share my stories and complain in silence. This world's already got too much noise and I don't want to make some more of that.
I believe that despite personal elements, the stories you're going to read have some kind of universality. It's about hope and despair, good and bad days, solidarity and solitude, love and jealousy, complexity and simplicity. I must tell (or should I say, spoil?) you that the first part of the journal is more like an autobiography. I explained a lot why I did this or that, how I ended up doing this master's. But in the later parts, words and phrases will replace lengthy sentences. Memories will become more fragmented. But all the feelings are always there. That's one thing I've noticed from writing this. If I must identify something special about this journal, a journal of "some good-looking Asian guy" (you'll see where this comes from), hmm, it might be a sense of tragic-comedy. I've made stupid mistakes and consciously gotten into troubles I could have easily avoided. I also think caring and trust are my biggest issues: I often worry about and have a faith in both those who deserve and don't deserve it. It really hurts. On the other hand, I sometimes reject others' caring and keep distance with some truly decent people. I just don't want them to get a headache because of me. I do like being there for people in trouble and need by the way. I'm good at coaching others' games, but bad at playing on my own.
I decided to write the journal in English. Paradoxically, it's been challenging yet super interesting and fun. I think an inconvenience of this is that I couldn't fully express my weird Thai sense of humor in English. Some of my jokes and my sarcasm only work in my mother tongue, but sometimes they don't work at all. Anyway, it happened to me so many times that I wrote quite fluidly by using English. Those words just popped up to me and I didn't have to worry about levels of politeness that exist in Thai or French, for example. For cultural reasons, I do use some Thai terms and try to retain the senses of them in English. So you could learn some Thai too! An universal language, English also serves as a perfect choice to reflect the universality of my life's stories. Because of it, I feel you, you feel me, and we're bittersweetly alone together.
To all lovely loners and outsiders of this world.
Enjoy the reading.
Kao/Pete - April 5, 2024, Thessaloniki
Experienced and written by Peerachai Pasutan
Illustration by: @kandycraft.kt